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<title>if you count up all the purple pixels and convert them into gps coordinates it tells you where i hid the bodies or maybe it just makes a big ascii dick i donno im still tryna work out the central themes by itsdave</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22381840">if you count up all the purple pixels and convert them into gps coordinates it tells you where i hid the bodies or maybe it just makes a big ascii dick i donno im still tryna work out the central themes</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave'>itsdave</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Homestuck</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>M/M, Meteorstuck, Retcon Timeline</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 16:27:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,198</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22381840</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsdave/pseuds/itsdave</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat's been writing something.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dave Strider/Karkat Vantas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>193</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>if you count up all the purple pixels and convert them into gps coordinates it tells you where i hid the bodies or maybe it just makes a big ascii dick i donno im still tryna work out the central themes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><span class="dave">DAVE: hey karkat are you-</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: whoa</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: HOLY FUCK DAVE!!!!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: dude what the fuck</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: are you ok</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: JESUS *FUCK* YOU’RE QUIET!!!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh yeah i was gettin my float on</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I FUCKING *HATE* IT WHEN YOU FLOAT!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i know man thats why i never do it when im with you</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: shit what do you take me for</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i am nothing if not a conscientious bro</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: bros who walk together</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: uh</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: talk together</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i know that sounds lame as shit but to be fair we DO usually do both those things so technically its hella apt</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WELL TOO BAD, DAVE, IT JUST GOT APTER!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: BECAUSE I HAVE OFFICIALLY REVOKED YOUR FLOATING ALONE PRIVILEGES, TOO!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh what</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I CAN’T FUCKING *HEAR* YOU WHEN YOU JUST DRIFT AROUND LIKE THAT.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: HOW LONG WERE YOU FUCKING BEHIND ME????</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: whoa man chill out</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i just got here</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: kinda wish i hadnt tho</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: since clearly somethin way skeevy was happening on your computer</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: AUUUUGHHHH!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: holy shit karkat</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: were you</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: were you watching troll porn</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh my god</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh shit</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i am so fucking curious and at the same time incredibly weirded out</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: like i wanna know</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i so desperately wanna know</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: but i also kinda never ever ever wanna know you know</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: like im afraid the knowledgell actually kill me</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh man</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i think my brain might actually split in half over this one karkat</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ahh whatever just show me</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: who the fuck am i tryna kid</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i gotta see this</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S NOT PORN, DAVE!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: FOR *FUCK’S* SAKE!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh what</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: cmon karkat</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: you dont gotta protect me</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: im ready</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh wait oh fuck how have i never considered this</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: is there like</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: different porn for different quadrants</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh my god whats the pale one like</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: is it just snuggling and talking through your problems</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: do folks get off on that</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: like</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: get off on friendship</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh my god they must</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: SHUT UP DAVE!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SHUT UP!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I WASN’T WATCHING ANYTHING!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I WAS...</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I WAS WRITING.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh damn</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: were you</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ...were you writing a friendship porno karkat</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NO! NO ONE HAS BROUGHT UP PALE PORN EXCEPT FOR YOU, DAVE!!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ok the way that rolled right off your tongue means its DEFINITELY a thing</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: AHHH!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: fine</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: were for sure comin back to that one later</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: but whatever</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: what ARE you writing</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: can i see</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW, DAVE. LET’S EXAMINE THE FACTS.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU FLEW IN HERE LIKE A FUCKING STEALTHY PIECE OF GARBAGE.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I SLAMMED MY HUSKTOP SHUT AND ALMOST DID AN ACROBATIC FUCKING PIROUETTE OFF THE COUCH.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: nice</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I THEN PROCEEDED TO SHRIEK AT YOU, ASKING HOW LONG YOU’D BEEN LEERING OVER MY SHOULDER LIKE THE FUCKING WISPY SILENT CREEP YOU ARE.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NOW YOU’RE ASKING IF YOU CAN SEE WHAT I WAS WRITING.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT DO *YOU* THINK MY ANSWER’S GONNA BE, DAVE?</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yes</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: but only cuz you like me so much</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: FUCK YOU!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: cmon bro what are you writing</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: HOLY SHIT, DAVE, I *JUST* SAID I’M NOT TELLING YOU!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: no you said i cant see it</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: you didnt say shit about telling me what it is</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WELL NOW I’M SAYING IT!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: FUCK NO!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: THIS IS PRIVATE!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: no karkat you gotta
</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T GOTTA DO JACK DICK, DAVE!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: cmon i share my tracks with you all the time</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T EVEN ASK YOU TO DO THAT!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU JUST FUCKING SEND THEM TO ME AT ALL HOURS!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah but you love em</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: if i stopped sending em youd totally come beggin</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NO I FUCKING WOULDN’T!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: anyway i GOTTA send em to you now</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: youre on most of em</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: itd be weird as hell to have a song by dave strider feat. k master v if k master v didnt even get to hear it</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WE DID *NOT* AGREE ON THAT NAME!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: pretty sure we did</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NO WE *FUCKING* DIDN’T!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK WOULD I AGREE TO THAT IF YOU JUST GET TO HAVE YOUR REAL NAME??</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: sorry its on all the mp3s already</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: you cant just change an mp3 name karkat</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: that shit is locked in</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: AUUUGH!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: cmon those tracks with you on em are fire</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: k master vs gonna be a household name</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: THERE ARE NO FUCKING HOUSEHOLDS, DAVE!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: THERE ARE SIX OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE ON THIS WHOLE GODFORSAKEN METEOR, AND THEY ALL ALREADY *KNOW* MY NAME!!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah but theyre not gonna give a shit about you now</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: theyre all gonna wanna get to know k master v</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: JESUS *CHRIST* YOU BETTER NOT TELL ANYBODY THAT FUCKING STUPID NAME, DAVE.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: THAT IS THE LAST FUCKING THING I NEED!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: fine i wont</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: THANK YOU!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: if you tell me what youre writing</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: GOD DAMMIT.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NO!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ok shit you want me to guess then</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NO I FUCKING DON’T!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ok karkat if you insist</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: you got the worst fucking poker face ive ever seen but fine well play it your way</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: are you</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: writing</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: one of your silly lil computer viruses</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: |:B</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: no dont think so</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: how about...</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: a hot new k master v beat</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NO!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: AND STOP *FUCKING* SAYING THAT!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: haha now thats a REALLY fuckin shitty poker face</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ok</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: how bout</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: a romance novel</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: |8B</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ok so pretty sure thats not it</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: but that face has got me all kinds of suspicious</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: that face just waltzed in an plunked a sherlock holmes hat right on my head</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: stuck ten magnifying glasses in each of my unsuspecting hands</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: which now theyve felt that twentyfold grip of cool deductive steel are all ABOUT suspecting</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: their unsuspecting days are over</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: theyre just part of the greater sum that is dave strider clue finder extraordinaire</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: and i just found the first and only clue</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: that is your fucking face right now</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: that face is leadin me to believe that while youre not workin on it now</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: you DO have the draft of at least one novel on there</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NO COMMENT.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: haha fuckin great</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I SAID NO COMMENT!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah but cmon dude no comment is just shorthand for yes dave i most definitely do youre so good at finding clues that hat looks slick as hell on you howd you get so goddamn cool</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NO IT’S FUCKING NOT!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: uh yes it is karkat</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: but ok</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: unless youre writin me a beautiful love letter</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: in which case by the way im v touched</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: FUCK YOU.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah the only other thing i can imagine is its a script</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: its definitely a movie script</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: it is karkat isnt it</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: SIIIIGH</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ohhh my god yes</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: FUCK YOU!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: what why</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: this is amazing</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: come on</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: lets break that shit open like we bought a new boat</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT??</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: lemme see!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: ABSOLUTELY NOT.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: what the fuck</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: why not</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WHY *NOT??*</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah cmon show me</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NO!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: just let me see!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: FUCKING NO, DAVE!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU CAN’T EVEN READ IT ANYWAY!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S ALL IN ALTERNIAN!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S USELESS TO YOU!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: what the fuck</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: “alternians” just english with fuckin troll letters</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i can read that shit now</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH FUCK.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: SOMEBODY taught me</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH MY GOD WHY DID I DO THAT?</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: what do you mean why it was a fuckin beautiful exchange of knowledge with our friends from beyond the stars</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: also so we could have book club</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: im halfway through that crazy fish people one already</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: and lemme tell you it is TRASHY as FUCK</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i swear to god karkat you shouldnt be embarrassed about whatever youre writin cuz theres no WAY its got more shameful ass smut than that book</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: |:B</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh my fucking god karkat</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: does it??</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I BET YOU’D LOVE TO KNOW!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: uh yes i would thats right</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: BUT YOU’RE NEVER GOING TO!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: BECAUSE I AM *NEVER* SHOWING YOU THIS SCRIPT!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh what the fuck</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: gimme a reason</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NO!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: cmon your last one sucked</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: just fire another at me and ill blast it outta the sky too with my logic cannon</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YOUR LOGIC CANNON.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: damn straight</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: its primed and ready for some karkat bullshit</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: DAVE, REMINDING ME THAT YOU KNOW HOW TO READ ISN’T “LOGIC.”</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S JUST... REMINDING ME OF A FACT I ALREADY KNEW.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU CAN’T JUST PUT ONE FACT I ALREADY KNOW IN A LOGIC CANNON.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S GONNA GUM UP THE WORKS.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S OOZING OUT ALL OVER THE FLOOR.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YOUR CANNON’S USELESS, DAVE.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: what no its fine</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i got my trusty lil chimney sweep to clear all the fact goo out</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: PFFF</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yep his names pip or some shit and he did a great job</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: this cannons as clean as a freshly swept chimney on a cockney morn</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: now cmon</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: just TRY an tell me why you cant show me</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: ARE YOU SHITTING ME RIGHT NOW, DAVE??</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU REALLY DON’T UNDERSTAND THIS?</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: not a fuckin clue man</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH MY GOD, DAVE!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S...</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S EMBARRASSING!!!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: aw really</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: *YES* REALLY!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: BELIEVE IT OR NOT I’VE ACTUALLY BEEN WORKING HARD ON THIS THING.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: SINCE BEFORE THE GAME, EVEN.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh shit</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YEAH!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: AND I AM NOT JUST GONNA DRAG IT OUT INTO THE LIGHT SO *YOU* OF ALL PEOPLE CAN SHIT ALL OVER IT!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: what im not gonna shit on it</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: SERIOUSLY, DAVE?</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU HAVEN'T EVEN READ IT YET AND YOU’VE STILL SOMEHOW MANAGED TO INSULT IT TWENTY DIFFERENT WAYS!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: naw but if you actually show me ill be nice</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NO YOU WON’T!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ok i might make fun of it a little if it deserves it</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: AHH!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: but whatever right?</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: well still have a good time</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NO WE FUCKING WON’T!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: please karkat</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: just lemme see the scene you were workin on</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: we can workshop it</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ooh shit we could act it out even</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: tread the fuckin boards</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: boards are gonna be like that snake</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT SNAKE? THERE'S A SNAKE??</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah the snake that says dont tread on me</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: ???</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: doesnt matter the point is were not gonna listen to it</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: cuz were gonna tread all up on those boards</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH MY GOD!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S A ROMANCE, DAVE!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah i know</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: THINK ABOUT IT.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: *YOU* WANT TO ACT OUT THIS SEXY, ROMANTIC SCENE.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WITH *ME.*</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah sure</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH WHAT THE *FUCK!!!!*</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: whoa</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: THIS IS TOO MUCH! THIS BEGGARS BELIEF!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: MY BELIEF HAS BEEN REDUCED TO BEGGING!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: IT’S LIVING UNDER A BRIDGE!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: like a troll</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT???</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: nothin dont worry bout it</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: just tell me more about this tale of woe</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: what happened to your belief karkat</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: whys it fallin on such hard times</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WHY?</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah maybe if i understand its plight i can help it out</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: toss it some change</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: take it to a soup kitchen</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: buy it a suit get it a job interview</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: introduce it to haley joel osment in pay it forward</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH MY GOD DAVE, SHUT THE FUCK UP!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: MY BELIEF IS LIVING UNDER A BRIDGE IN A HIVE CRUDELY CONSTRUCTED OUT OF SHOPPING CARTS BECAUSE I THOUGHT IF THERE WAS *ONE THING* I COULD COUNT ON FROM YOU EVEN MORE RELIABLY THAN SUPREMELY STUPID TANGENTS SUCH AS THIS ONE, IT WAS YOUR SWIFT AND IRREVERSIBLE SHUTDOWN AT THE SLIGHTEST MENTION OF ANYTHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE CONSTRUED AS “GAY!”</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: really</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YES REALLY!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I THOUGHT FOR SURE THE MERE THOUGHT OF ACTING OUT A ROMANTIC SCENE WITH ME WOULD PUT THE KIBOSH ON THIS WHOLE FUCKING CONVERSATION FOR GOOD.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: well thats easy</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: this is art</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: ART??</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah man art</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: you can be hella gay for art nobody gives a shit</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: its culture</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK?</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah man you got any idea how much of western civilizations classic art is just dicks on muscular dudes, carved by other dudes</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: its like 80 percent minimum</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: and that is our foundational art</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: like everything else just grew out of those great dicks of old</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU’VE GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: nope i shit you not</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: hell even in my own work</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: youve seen sweet bro and hella jeff</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: remember the one where they hugged</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK-</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: the homoerotic charge was PALPABLE</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: not a dry seat in the house</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: EUUUUGHH!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: but you know what its art</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: so its ok</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: and jeff and bro are professionals they know whats up</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: they both went home to their wives at the end of the night and talked very openly and maturely about what happened on set</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NO THEY FUCKING DIDN’T, DAVE!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: THEY “WENT HOME” TO THE SEETHING, HELLISH, UNFOCUSED, CONTRADICTION-RIDDLED CESSPOOL OF YOUR DISGUSTING MIND.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah thats where their wives live</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH MY GOD!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: so cmon tell me all about this scene were gonna do</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT??</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: cmon were doin it</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NO WE ARE *NOT!*</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: what yes we totally are</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: paint me a picture karkat</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: lay out all the deets</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: how do you get in the zone for troll romance</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: well ok</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: obvious first question</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: what quadrant are we talkin here</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: is it the buddy one or the one no one cares about or one of the sexy ones</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: |:B</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ok im taking that look to be firm confirmation that its a sexy one</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: dont even try to deny it the more you do the sexier im gonna assume it is</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: dont even need my sherlock hat for that</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: now is it the regular human one or the s&amp;m on steroids and also no m one</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: |:B</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: cmon karkat red or black</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: |:B</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: holy shit is it BOTH</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh my god karkat do we not have enough PEOPLE for this scene??</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: should i go get the mayor</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH MY GOD, NO!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: DON’T GET THE FUCKING MAYOR!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I DON’T WANNA EXPOSE HIM TO THIS KIND OF THING!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh fuck youre right</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i can handle your gross smut karkat i believe in myself</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: but theres no way we can expose the mayors purity to trash like this</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH FUCK YOU!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: although</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT?</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i mean...</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: lets be honest about somethin here</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: we never talk about it but</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: im pretty sure the mayors actually way older than us</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH. YEAH...</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i mean for real</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: youve heard his stories</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: the dude had a farm</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: a house</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: he led a rebellion</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: he was in a fucking war man</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YEAH, YOU’RE RIGHT...</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i mean damn</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: THE MAYOR’S SO MUCH FUN, IT’S REALLY EASY TO FORGET ABOUT ALL THAT SHIT.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: seriously</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: honestly dude i think the mayor probably knows a lot more about life and love than our dumb asses combined</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: FUCK, YOU’RE RIGHT.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: MAYBE I SHOULD GET HIM TO READ MY SCRIPT.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: HE MIGHT HAVE SOME GOOD INSIGHTS.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh karkat what the fuck</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: are you actually gonna let the mayor read it and not me</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I DONNO DAVE, MAYBE!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU JUST SAID YOURSELF HE KNOWS A LOT MORE ABOUT THIS SHIT THAN EITHER OF US!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah but that doesnt mean i dont know anything</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: you dont have to fuckin protect my purity ok</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i had the internet</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YEAH I HAD THE INTERNET, TOO!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: AND I’VE ALSO READ LITERALLY HUNDREDS OF ROMANCE NOVELS AND SEEN *THOUSANDS* OF ROMANCE FILMS!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: UNLIKE YOU!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh what ive seen plenty of your shitty movies</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU’VE SEEN FOUR!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: well thats because theyre insanely long and boring karkat</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: thats not my fault</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: and im even readin one of your shitty books!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH GREAT, YOU’VE STRUGGLED THROUGH HALF A BOOK!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M SURE YOU’RE JUST BRIMMING WITH WISDOM!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: fuck you alternian is not my first language</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: IT'S NOT A FUCKING LANGUAGE, DAVE! YOU SAID IT YOURSELF! IT'S JUST ENGLISH WITH DIFFERENT LETTERS! YOU SHOULD BE FUCKING DONE BY NOW!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah well when the fuck am i sposed to find time to read when theres all these fuckin mysteries afoot</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: MYSTERIES??</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: the fuckin case of the sexy ass screenplay im not allowed to read</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH MY GOD.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: hey thats got a good ring to it</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: you know what maybe im gonna write my own script</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH YEAH?</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah its a hard boiled detective story starring me</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: or maybe it should be a novel</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i bet itd play really great as a ya series</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: UGH.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah and you know what karkat because were such best bros i will GLADLY let you read it</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: no matter how psychologically revealing it is</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YOUR YOUNG ADULT DETECTIVE SERIES IS PSYCHOLOGICALLY REVEALING.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: hell yes it is if you count up all the purple pixels and convert them into gps coordinates it tells you where i hid the bodies</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: BAHAHA!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: or maybe it just makes a big ascii dick</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i donno im still tryna work out the central themes</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: might need to run it by a focus group or two</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE PIXELS?</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I THOUGHT THIS WAS A NOVEL.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah theres pixels in my novel karkat</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: god damn you think theres NOT gonna be pixels</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: this is a multi media affair</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: you seriously think im gonna be bound by a single medium karkat</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: that is crazy talk</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: the talk of a raving madman</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: you actually sound insane right now</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: SORRY, DAVE, I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK CAME OVER ME.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: its ok my arts ahead of its time</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: cant expect you to always keep up with the cutting edge of young adult literature</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: or yal as we call it in the biz</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH YOU’RE IN THE BIZ NOW?</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: fuck yes im in the biz karkat i AM the biz</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: since the rest of the biz exploded</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i am the biz and oddly enough also its key demographic</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: HAHA</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: so</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: SO WHAT?</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: so</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: can i read it</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT?</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NO!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: seriously after all that</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: ALL THAT?</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: WHAT THE FUCK WAS “ALL THAT,” DAVE?</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU JUST BABBLED AT ME FOR A WHILE ABOUT DICKS AND PIXELS!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah dude exactly thats what i do every time we talk</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: and usually you love it that shit works like a fuckin charm</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i feel like you dont even know me here</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: have we met before </span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: hi whats up im dave im from texas and im cool as hell</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: sweet orange guys on your head are those horns or what</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH MY GOD, DAVE.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: LISTEN TO YOURSELF!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YOU’RE LITERALLY TELLING ME I SHOULD DO WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE YOU JUST TRUCKED OUT THE SAME OLD BULLSHIT YOU ALWAYS DO!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: THIS IS SO FUCKING WEAK.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ok fine</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: you want somethin different</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: how bout sincerity</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: HA.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah you laugh</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i can do sincerity karkat</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i can be so sincere</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: im the king of sincere</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: havent been around for a while</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: got a regent rulin in my stead</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: denethor</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: TOTAL dick</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: chowed down on some sloppy tomatoes while his son got shot and billy boyd sang like an angel</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: IS THIS THE SINCERE PART OR...</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: no fuck this isnt the sincere part</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: my point is the kings back baby</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: just like in the lord of the rings</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: its cool cuz his name was kinda strider too</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: but dont read into that too much ok i dont think were gonna find any more parallels</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OK.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: so heres my sincerity are you ready karkat</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M READY.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ok</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: cool</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: karkat</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: it really hurt me when you didnt want to show me your probably unconscionably smutty little pansexual polyamorous screenplay that im sure is a god damn tumblr wet dream</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: UGGH.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: even though i so graciously offered to give you an advanced, signed copy of my upcoming autobiographical hardy boys knockoff dave strider and the case of the missing dicks</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: PFFF</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: no laughing</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: im pourin my heart out here dude its unbelievably uncool to laugh</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: SORRY.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah you better be</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ok where was i</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: THE CASE OF THE MISSING DICKS.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh right</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: you prolly dont wanna show me because youre worried ill make fun of you</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: and to be fair that is a hella accurate prediction</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: im sure there are so many things to make fun of in your screenplay im gonna be like a kid in a stilted dialogue candy shop</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: but the truth is even if it sucks im still probably gonna love it</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i bet it doesnt suck for the record</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i think theres a solid chance that its silly as hell</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: but theres also a not tiny chance that youre actually really fuckin good at it</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: and the point is no matter what its actually like</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i think its so incredibly cool that you have the balls to do it at all</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: youre so creative man</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: thats one of the things i like most about you</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: and even cooler is you actually follow through with it</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: like youre actually taking that creativity and putting it toward something</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i respect the hell outta that</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: and i know its scary to make something</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: but its hells scarier to actually show it to somebody else</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: like that might even be the hardest part</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: so you dont have to show it to me</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: but if you do</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i want you to know that i understand</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: and that ill be really fuckin honored</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ...</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: DAVE...</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: pffff</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ffhahhahahahaha</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH *FUCK* *YOU* DAVE!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: hahahahahaha</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: how was that</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: did i pass</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: can i read it now or what</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NO! YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: are you fucking kidding me karkat</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: after all that nice shit i said</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: IT DOESN’T COUNT IF YOU LAUGH, YOU COLOSSAL THROBBING HEMORRHOID!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: IT COMPLETELY NULLIFIES EVERYTHING YOU SAID FOR THE PREVIOUS... HALF HOUR!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: half an hour aw cmon</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: AT LEAST!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: but we havent even been talkin that long</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: YEAH WELL IT NULLIFIED ALL THOSE POINTLESS SOLILOQUIES YOU WERE DEFINITELY SPEWING WHILE YOU WERE FUCKING WAFTING AROUND THE HALLS BY YOURSELF TOO!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh no what</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: i had some good shit in those soliloquies</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: TOO BAD, THEY’RE GONE!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: god dammit</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ...</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: are you really not gonna let me read it</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I’M REALLY NOT GONNA, DAVE.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NOT UNTIL IT’S FINISHED, ANYWAY.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: oh</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: how bout then</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: I’LL THINK ABOUT IT.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: IN THE MEANTIME SEE IF YOU CAN DREDGE UP SOME MORE NICE SHIT TO SAY TO ME.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: AND WORK ON YOUR FUCKING DELIVERY!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: FOR SOMEBODY WHO’S SO GOOD AT HIS POKER FACE, YOU REALLY OUGHTA BE BETTER AT THIS.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: yeah youd think</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: maybe im just allergic to sincerity</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: MM.</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: you want me to leave you alone</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: let you work</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: NO, YOU CAN STAY.</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: JUST</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: STAY THE *FUCK* ON YOUR SIDE OF THE COUCH!</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: IF YOU SO MUCH AS GLANCE OVER HERE I’M KICKING YOUR ASS OUT!</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: ok ok</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: cool</span><br/>
<span class="dave">DAVE: thanks k master v</span><br/>
<span class="karkat">KARKAT: OH FUCK YOU.</span><br/>
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